Psalms 37:7 says, "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him (Jesus)".
Apparently God wanted to teach me a little lesson in patience and grow my faith muscles. All while being still. WOW....
I have this thing called, "bleeding heart syndrome". I'm sure others suffer from this as well but basically I HATE any injustice. My soul bleeds for children particularly that don't feel or know what love is due to life circumstances. My heart cries out for orphans. My mind is blown away by the children who are sold into slavery right in front of our faces. Even as I write this, I feel that little
That being said, I married a practical man. A man who first of all loves Jesus but knows that it is just not practical to have 1,000,000 children living in our home. Lets say he "balances" me. He doesn't like any of the above situations either but knows that God has given me a mission right now to love and disciple the four children he gave to me.
Then came along a friend with a passion for orphans in other countries. New Horizons for Children is an organization that places children from overseas orphanages into homes during the Christmas and summer seasons. During these times, the orphanages "shut down" and the kids are left to celebrate (or not) Christmas on their own. Like...NO ONE is loving them? NO ONE buys them presents? NO ONE cooks a yummy meal for them? UMMMMMMM NO!
So this lovely friend decided she should host. Then another lovely friend decided to host. Then another. So of course I should host. Right? Aren't we called to take care of orphans? Isn't this a huge example of injustice? But Zach...ummmmm not sure how he would like that idea. Well, I guess I should pray.
Then one day I was completely blindsided. I sat down on my computer to check facebook and what would you know. There she was. MY GIRL! Let me say I was not thinking of hosting at all this holiday season and I knew that Zach wouldn't be on bored with it but I felt and overwhelming pull towards this girl. I immediately sat down with God and prayed!
An excerpt from my journal that day:
There are so many kids wihtout moms and dads. My heart grieves for them. What do I do with this grief? I want to host and orphan ("o") this Christmas but I'm not sure it's your will. You command us to care for the orphans and widows. Please, PLEASE change Zach's heart. Help him let this child into our home. Please Lord. "O" needs you!
She consumed me for the next 24 hours. My heart bled like it never had bled for a girl I had never met. I could see her sitting in my living room. I could smell her sweet head. I could imagine snuggling with her, reading a book. I WAS SURE she was suppose to be here. God laid this girl on my heart. He told me to pray for her. Why shouldn't she be here?
Zach and I talked about it and prayed more than ever about "O". My heart didn't waver at all. Zach's didn't either. He wasn't hearing what I was hearing. He was hearing, "no, she isn't for us.". WHAT????? I begged and pleaded with God. My core group of friends were all praying that Zach's heart would be changed. I called NHFC and found out more information about "O". There was no way she wasn't meant to be here!
The next few days my journal opened with this:
I'm so confused Lord. Which way are you leading me?
I am worn and confused Lord. I was so sure I heard your voice and went out on a limb only to get burned. My heart breaks.
I cried out to God. He answered me with these verses. "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him". 1 Corinthians 2:9. "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14.
As I sat in my living room pondering these verses, I felt I NEEDED to talk with my friend Juliane about the whole thing. Why wasn't Zach hearing what I was hearing? Why was God saying, "Be Still" when this was obviously not a time to wait? I called her, heartsick over "O". As I retold the whole story she told me to go outside, take a deep breath and know that I obeyed God. He was going to do all the work, I just need to "chill out" and relax. What happened next was what one of my friends would call a #MJM (Magical Jesus Moment)...
I said "O's" name...
Immediately a light bulb went on in Juliane's head. "She is for me".
Juliane went on to describe a vivid dream she had 2 years ago about a girl named, "O" who lived in an Eastern European country. She asked me to send her the picture. I did and the rest is history.
God WAS talking to me. I WAS listening. The little girl who my heart grieved for WAS going to come here. I WAS going to see her sitting on my couch. I WAS going to smell her sweet head. Not sure about the snuggling part but its possible. My husband WAS hearing God saying she wasn't for us. I WASN'T going crazy.
Juliane immediately talked with her husband and they went forward. "O" will be here this Christmas.
My lesson from this was that I am not in control. God may put things on my heart but it's not up to me to decided what to do with them and when they should happen. As Juliane said, "Take a deep breath and know you obeyed God"! I look forward to hearing God more as I learn to fine tune my hearing.
I'm excited to see what God has in store for us ;)
PS. You can read all about the Worthington's journal to get "O" home here!